AN ANGEL in the book of life wrote down our baby's birth and whispered as she closed the book, 'Too beautiful for Earth'. These are the words engraved on a plaque in a very special cabinet in the home of Caoimhe Murphy, whose second daughter, Cliodhna, was "born asleep" last June.
"The past year has been by far the worst of my life, losing my baby girl I was meant to love, look after and protect," says Caoimhe, who, as her "angel's" first birthday approaches, now wants to help others affected by stillbirth.
"My second pregnancy started off just like my first; the first few months I very sick and hospitalised on a number of occasions due to hyperemesis. After that my pregnancy was straightforward and I was told all was healthy," Caoimhe recalls.
With her due date fast approaching, she attended her 39-week midwife appointment at her doctor's surgery.
"I told her I felt great as I hopped on to the bed for her to monitor my baby's heart. But [the midwife's] face had this look I'd never seen before – her eyes filled up she told my she couldn't hear anything."
Sadly it was confirmed that there was no heartbeat and Caoimhe was given medication to enduce the labour as she would have to give birth naturally.
Like other parents in this unfortunate situation, she wasn't ready to say goodbye to her newborn straight away and was thankful for the 'cuddle cot' – a cooling medical bassinet that allows babies to stay in the room with their parents.
Despite having worked in the medical admissions unit at Craigavon hospital, Caoimhe wasn't aware of the work of Sands NI (Stillbirth And Neonatal Death Support).
"I've never heard my baby girl laugh or cry. I've never seen the colour of her eyes. All I have are the memories of her playing away inside me and the most precious memory box donated from Sands," says Caoimhe, eternally grateful for the keepsakes donated by the charity to her in hospital.
The memory boxes contain two identical teddy bears, one to be given to baby to keep forever, the other to be kept by the parents. There is also a handling blanket and an ink-less hand and footprint kit to help create lasting memories of the time spent with the baby.
"It's heartbreaking walking out with nothing, when you should have a little baby in a car seat," says Caoimhe, who is thankful also to the midwives who bathed and dressed Cliodhna and took her photos and footprints.
These photographs, blanket and teddy, together with her scan photographs, hospital bracelet, rosary beads, guardian angle ornaments, crystals, Mass cards and a candle, which is lit every evening, are all given pride of place in the memorial cabinet in Caoimhe's home.
Cliodhna was born with her umbilical cord around her neck – her family accepted that was the cause of her death and declined a post-mortem. However, routine blood taken from Caoimhe showed there had been a problem with her placenta.
"I found this so hard to accept as I was told throughout my pregnancy my placenta was fine. They also told me there would be a chance it could happen to me again and I would have to be put on steroids from the start of my pregnancy."
She has decided she won't risk another pregnancy and has taken comfort in having four-year-old daughter Eireann in her life.
"She's the reason I keep going. In recent times she has said to me 'I miss my wee angel sister Cliodhna'. We go to visit the graveyard together all the time and talk about her a lot."
Sadly stillbirths are not a rare occurrence. According to statistics from Sands NI, more than three babies a week are stillborn or die in the first four weeks of life in Northern Ireland.
"In the room night to me in Craigavon another mother had a stillborn baby. And Cliodhna is buried right next to stillborn twins, who died the previous month," says Caoimhe.
Losing a baby in such circumstances is not something that bereaved parents ever 'get over'; Caoimhe admits she had a hugely difficult experience. Now "in a more postive place", she is channelling her energy into a range of fundraising events to raise money for Sands NI, including a 'decades disco' to be held on the evening of the first anniversary of Cliodhna's passing.
“Celebrating – as hard as it is, I want to make a difference and reach out to people affected by stillbirth. The disco is my way of keeping her memory alive and being among people I love and who love me," says Caoimhe about the event being held in Lurgan's Stable Bar on June 10.
She has received a wide-range of raffle prizes, including a number of Celtic memorabilia donated by Lurgan Down's syndrome schoolboy Jay Beattie, who was made official ambassador to the Celtic FC Foundation this year.
Also known as 'wee jay Celtic bhoy' the 12-year-old has donated a ball signed by the full squad he was given at the Celtic Player of the Year Awards, a signed Stefan Johansen top and the captain's arm band from the Hoops fifth successive title winning match.
A skydive featuring 25 people, including staff from her local branch of the Santander bank, who have pledged to match her donations will also take place later in the summer.
Although she obtained valuable online support from Sands, Caoimhe has only recently found the strength to join her local group and share her story. And in the future she hopes one day to become a volunteer for the charity in helping others.
:: To support Caoimhe's fundraising efforts you can donate online at www.justgiving.com/Caoimhe-Murphy.
SUPPORTING FAMILIES AFTER THE DEATH OF A BABY
THE establishment of a separate bereavement delivery suite in each of the north's five acute hospitals for mothers who have fatal foetal abnormalities and for those who knowingly are going to have a stillbirth is the current goal of Sands NI.
Thanks to the fundraising efforts of the parents the charity supports, two hospitals are close to starting work on the new suites. It is hoped that the first will be opened in Altnagelvin in Derry by autumn this year, while Craigavon Area Hospital is at the stage of finalising a room plan for its suite.
"The bereavement suites will provide parents with a quiet, more comfortable space to spend precious time with their baby before they have to say a final goodbye. The décor of the room will be less clinical and more user friendly. It will allow parents to create lasting memories of the time spent with their baby, family members and friends," says Steven Guy, Sands NI Network Coordinator.
As well as providing all maternity and neonatal units in Northern Ireland with cherished Sands memory boxes, the charity trains health professionals at Improving Bereavement Care training days and also bereavement photography courses to help them provide the best care possible for parents.
Sands NI has 10 monthly support evenings across the north, with a new support evening starting in north Down in the early autumn. "Most parents find our support evenings very helpful and reassuring as losing a baby is a lonely and isolating grief that few people understand. To meet other parents who know exactly what it’s like to feel the pain and grief of this loss helps parents feel 'normal' again," adds Steven.
:: For further information, support and a list of support evenings visit www.sandsni.org and www.facebook.com/SANDSNI.
