Life

Tracey Emin has married a rock and that's no joke

Congratulations to the happy couple, Tracey Emin and the rock. Not to be confused with The Rock

ARTIST Tracey Emin has gotten married and her husband is the strong, silent type. You won’t have heard of him (Sleb Safari certainly hadn’t and it knows everyone who’s anyone) and you’re not going to see him on the red carpet or at a gallery opening any time soon.

It’s not that Mr Tracey Emin is a recluse, it’s simply that he’s a stone. Yes, an actual stone.

She quite casually dropped the revelation into an interview, explaining that the wedding day was last summer and that her rock/husband is waiting for her at home in France.

“Somewhere on a hill facing the sea, there is a very beautiful ancient stone, and it’s not going anywhere,” was how she introduced the special someone in her life.

“It will be there, waiting for me,” she told Art Newspaper.

In another interview she referred to her rock as "an anchor, something I can identify with”.

"It's in my garden, it's very nice and very impressive and I like it a lot.”

Nothing wrong with liking what you see Tracey, nothing at all.

"The other thing about the stone is that it could be quite monstrous and scary. Instead I saw it as a protection thing as opposed to a fearful thing."

Sleb Safari is not blind, it sees the symbolism. What are our husbands if not rocks? Granted, hers will not comfort her after a bereavement or put the recycling out but by the same token they’ll never have a disagreement, he’ll always hold the door open and infidelity is unlikely, on the rock’s part at least.

Taking the shine off this loving and committed relationship somewhat, Tracey wore her father’s funeral shroud as a wedding dress. Sleb Safari is all for recycling but a funeral shroud sends out the wrong message on such a joyous occasion. What must her wedding album look like? It’s no wonder Hello! Magazine wasn’t bidding for exclusive photo rights of the big day.

Sleb Safari knows what you’re all wondering: did they have a first dance. Why yes, yes they did.

It was a Lou Reed song and Sleb Safari is going to guess that Tracey swayed gently while the rock watched, it being a hard man and not much of a dancer.

Tracey says their love transcends the carnal.

"I think that when we are younger, it is totally wrapped up in lust and physical conquest. My idea of love now is so heightened and spiritual that I really am looking for a soul mate; nothing else will do."

Congratulations on finding your soul mate Tracey. Gosh, you really have to hand it to her. The rock that is…

 

How To Rule Instagram, By Kendall Jenner

KEEN to increase its number of Instagram followers, Sleb Safari has been in full research mode.

Imagine its delight upon discovering that Instagram Ingenue Kendall Jenner has shared her top tips with Vogue magazine.

Kendall, of the Jenner/Kardashian household, has 52 million Instagram followers (that’s five million more followers than the entire population of Spain) and holds the record for the Instagram with the most likes (32 million of them).

 

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A photo posted by Kendall Jenner (@kendalljenner) on

 

Kendall’s advice on how to rule Instagram is to be organic and mysterious. Like that misshapen carrot Sleb Safari grew last year.

“So, it has to be organic,” Kendall explained. “It means you can't totally plan it out.”

As for mystery: “You don't want to do too many posts. You want to leave them wanting to come back.”

So, to recap, Sleb Safari needs to stop dousing itself in pesticides and cut back on the number of selfies from five a day to five a week? Sleb Safari will be sure to let you know when its followers are more legion than a European nation.

 

Competition Winner

THE winner of a Spring Awakening Spa Experience for two at the Slieve Donard Resort and Spa in Co Down is Celine Hagan from Belfast. Congratulations you lucky thing!

 

Sarah Palin Is The New Judge Judy

SOUND the brilliant idea for a TV show klaxon because Sarah Palin’s being lined up as a fake courtroom judge on a new reality show.

Provisionally titled I Can See You’re Guilty From My House (Sleb Safari will happily enter into negotiations with TV execs if they wish to use that title), the daytime show will feature Sarah as the new Judge Judy, if Judge Judy were a gun-toting, God fearing, Alaksa loving, mamma grizzly bear.

Naturally, Sarah does not have a law degree. And naturally the TV studio is not letting that stand in its way.

All rise while the hockey mum dispenses some of that folksy wisdom we’ve all grown to love/hate (delete as appropriate).

 

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