Sleb Safari: The Goop guide to Christmas gifts
IN SLEB Safari’s mind nothing says Christmas is coming like the publication of Gwyneth Paltrow’s annual ‘ridiculous but awesome gift list’ from her Goop lifestyle company.
Why buy someone a tin of Roses when you can gift them a $175 Italian white truffle is a motto everyone, not just millionaires, should live by for surely it is the true message of Christmas.
Disclaimer: Sleb Safari disappeared down the rabbit hole while ‘researching’ this article on goop.com and lost all concept of time and money. As a result it now knows how to make macaroons from scratch and shuck an oyster and is awaiting delivery of a cashmere eye mask to aid peaceful slumber.
Back then to the Goop gift lists and a request that you sellotape your eyeballs so as not to lose them because there’s a lot of eye rolling to come – starting with $995 for toilet paper. Not just any old toilet paper, Joseph’s Toiletries’ toilet paper.
JT’s TP is, according to the company website, “the most soothing and absorbent toilet paper in the world”.
“Each individual sheet is a multi-layered microcosm of form and function constructed with comfort and cleanliness in mind.
“Tender virgin new-growth fibres are refined with a provitamin B5 and essential mineral coating to provide maximum skin protection even in dry use.
“The dendritic structure of the inner core provides optimal absorption while the outer layers act as moisture barrier for wet use. The ultra-gentle quilted surface provides profound softness.”
At $995 you wouldn’t be in a rush to use this toilet paper when you run out of kitchen roll.
Next is a Hermes Mah-Jong set costing $46,000 (although there’s a waiting list) and $125,000 for gold dumbbells which will offer the same results as the pink set you’ll always find for a fiver in TK Maxx.
For the music lover in your life there are $55,000 headphones. And, for your neighbour the dentist, a toothpaste tube squeezer for $244.
Gwynnie also recommends a $265 flannel nightshirt for ‘the friend who’s hard to please’. If Sleb Safari was that friend it’d be grossly displeased with a flannel nightshirt.
It’s all a bit OTT but Sleb Safari is cutting Gwyneth some slack because it’s also tongue in cheek and there’s a $15 keyring that says consciously uncoupled.
The best thing in the collection is wrapping paper with a coal pattern so when your loved one lifts it out from under the Christmas tree it’ll actually look as though Santa brought them a lump of coal. Naturally even coal-printed wrapping paper costs a fortune. Still, nothing says happy new year like credit-card debt.
Olly Murs' Hair Conundrum
SLEB Safari has a confession to make. It is has been bamboozled by an interview with Olly Murs.
The X Factor runner-up and now presenter was sharing what he’s learned in life with The Times newspaper and admitted that he was so upset after breaking up with a girlfriend that he cried while watching a documentary on Wayne Rooney. So far so weird.
Then he shared another of his life lessons – beauty starts at the top.
“I spend 25 minutes on my hair every morning. As long as that looks good, I’m happy,” he explained.
Save us and bless us, Sleb Safari doesn’t know where to start with this. 25 minutes on hair alone? That’s the length of time Sleb Safari sets aside for its entire morning routine, tops.
Olly’s next declaration confused Sleb Safari further.
“I’m an Ibiza swimmer. I never swim; I just look good in the pool.”
But what about your hair Olly? You don’t want to waste 25 minutes doing your hair only to dive bomb in at the deep end.
And there was more confusion to come. “When I had a girlfriend and girls were throwing themselves at me, it was difficult to control… Female fans are great if you’re single.”
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE HAIR???
The Odd Couple
IN Sleb Safari's mind Harrison Ford will always be Indiana Jones. For others it's Han Solo and if that's you, you must be delighted that it's four weeks until the new Star Wars film is released.
Harrison has somewhat disturbed Sleb Safari with his description of the relationship he shares with Chewbacca who is, to all intents and purposes, a hairy beast that growls.
"We still have the same bond, we look after each other. We are like a married couple, especially when we’re in the cockpit together. I like it," he told Empire magazine.
"They were very much like an old married couple to start with. I think people will find them very much the same as ever."
Sleb Safari will leave you to mull over that.
The winner of the We Are Vertigo competition was Maria Barr from Glenavy
Social Media Watch
Now that's a wedding cake