Ask Fiona: My husband is so selfish

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers her perspective on family dramas, emotional issues and dysfunctional relationships. This week, thrush, a selfish husband and heartache over a cheating ex

Men often find time to relax in the garden or pottering in the shed

I'VE finally woken up to the fact that I'm married to the world's most selfish man.

He prefers his own company to that of me or our children and is content, when he's not working, to sit in front of the TV or potter in his shed.

Everything, from mealtimes to what we watch on television, has to revolve around him, and I cannot remember the last time he bought anyone a present.

Last year he spent a fortune on a new computer for himself that no-one else is allowed to use and didn't even buy me a card for my birthday.

My children – now teenagers – seem to accept that it's just the way he is, but I've suddenly become very angry and resentful.

Life shouldn't be like this and I'm fit to burst.


FIONA SAYS: It does sound as if he's used to getting his own way, but if you've always allowed him to, why should he change?

You've given him a green light rather than confronted him and he probably has no idea the upset he's causing you.

He may even be genuinely shocked if you confront him.

Where you go from here largely depends on whether you are prepared to try to correct matters.

If you are, you will have to make him see that his behaviour is unacceptable to you and the children.

Consider seeing a Relate ( counsellor to discuss how you feel.

To be honest, I think your chances of changing him now are probably slim, but nonetheless, I think you should try before you resort to seeing a solicitor.


My siblings don't visit our grandmother enough 

MY gran is nearly 80 and doesn't live very far from me, but I'm the only one who goes to see her regularly.

My mum and dad are both busy working, but my brother and sister could go and see her, if they wanted.

She often says she'd like to see the others more often, but she doesn't seem bitter that they don't visit or even call.

It makes me really upset that they don't bother and I wish I could make them see her more often.


FIONA SAYS: I'm afraid you can't make people do things if they don't want to.

Furthermore, if you make a fuss about it and try and force things, they could dig their heels in and not visit your gran at all.

It's a great thing that you care, but are you possibly being a little unfair on the rest of the family?

You don't say they never see her; just that they don't visit as often as you think they should.

Perhaps they are simply not able to commit to as much time as you.

Rather than trying to force things, just make sure you talk about your visits; what your gran is doing and how she is feeling.

This may be enough to spur them into going more frequently.

Your gran is very lucky to have such a caring granddaughter as there are, sadly, many elderly people who don't see any of their families at all.


How do I get rid of thrush for good?

I'VE been getting treatment for thrush over and over again but it keeps coming back.

I have tried various over the counter treatments, yogurt and all kinds of things, but it keeps coming back.

I've switched to cotton underwear, stockings instead of tights, skirts instead of trousers and it doesn't make any difference.

My husband is getting really fed up because we have to avoid sex when I've got it, and then just comes back again when I don't.

What can I do?


FIONA SAYS: Obviously I'm not a doctor and so can't say for sure, but there is a small possibility that your husband is re-infecting you.

Although thrush is a yeast infection, not a sexually transmitted one, it can be triggered by sex, and sometimes passed on during intercourse too.

Your husband may not be showing symptoms, but could still be carrying the condition.

I would strongly advise you see your GP and you may like to read Coping With Candida by Shirley Trickett (Sheldon Press).

You may be surprised to find that yeast infections cause a number of other conditions too.


I can't get over my cheating ex

MY boyfriend and I spilt up three months ago when I found out he had been cheating on me for the past three years.

I thought he loved me as much as I loved him, but once we had spilt I realised he had really been using me a doormat.

All my friends tell me I am better off without him and I have even been out a few times with other guys.

So why do I still feel so cut up about losing him?

I can't seem to get him out of my mind, and I'm sure my friends think I am crazy for still feeling this way.

I wish I could just forget about him and get on with my life.


FIONA SAYS: You're being a bit hard on yourself if you think you can just write off three years worth of feelings for someone.

Although his feelings for you may not have been reciprocated, you clearly cared deeply for him and that's not easily shrugged off overnight.

Give yourself a bit more time to come to terms with the change in your life.

Don't try and dash straight into another relationship, instead have some fun and find time do some of those things that you've always wanted to do.

The pain will recede in time and before too long, you'll be able to move on and form new relationships.


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