Sleb Safari: Mariah Carey is searching for her dream lover
LISTEN up single men with a masochistic streak, Mariah Carey is on match.com and looking for love.
Fresh from a separation, she’s single and ready to mingle with men aged 20-120 and between six feet and eight feet 11 inches tall.
In the ‘in her own words’ section of her match.com profile Mariah has quoted the lyrics from her own song, Dreamlover.
Sleb Safari feels Mariah isn’t taking this online dating lark as seriously as she could.
Mariah and her ex-husband used to renew their wedding vows annually and once had Disneyland closed down to facilitate their renewal.
Should her foray into online dating be successful any new beau will be under real pressure to out-romance her ex. Sleb Safari fully expects that by year five of the relationship Mariah will demand a vow renewal on Mars.
Sleb Safari has a soft spot for Mariah which it puts down to regular and debilitating bouts of 90s nostalgia.
She had a number one single in every year of the 1990s which makes her a-okay in Sleb Safari's eyes (and Sleb Safari old in everyone else's eyes).
She’s a little like an overgrown puppy, a child in a woman’s body who still loves butterflies and unicorns and believes in fairy dust.
When she was pregnant with her twins, Monroe and Morrocan, Mariah told US magazine Life & style: "I wanted to create a beautiful, tranquil, cosy environment for the babies" and added: "I feel like I'm bringing two individuals into the world."
Here's hoping someone had a word with her before she went into labour with dembabies and got the shock of her life.
There was a moment in time where people were in danger of taking Mariah seriously. It was in 2009 when she played a part originally intended for Helen Mirren in the critically acclaimed film Precious and did a really good job. Helen Mirren's still seeing a therapist.
It was most definitely not around the time she starred in Glitter, a 2001 semi-autobiographical movie that was universally panned.
Sleb Safari is pleased to report that ‘taking Mariah seriously’ was a short lived affair and everyone went back to enjoying the excesses of a woman who calls her fans her 'Lambily' and gave her last album the titles Me. I Am Mariah... The Elusive Chanteuse.
Sleb Safari wishes Mariah well in the search for that most elusive thing of all and hopes she finds her dream lover, even if he is an eight foot tall centenarian.
GWYNETH'S NEW BOYFRIEND GETS GOOPED
ANOTHER week, another Gwyneth Paltrow story for us to muse on.
On top of her day-to-day work as a mother of two, actress, kale eater, conscious uncoupler and water botherer, Gwyneth runs the Goop lifestyle website which we have to thank for spawning Blake Lively’s Preserve ($92 chip and dip bowl anyone?) and Reese Witherspoon’s Draper James which is “a new shopping experience inspired by Southern style, grace and charm” flogging four linen cocktail napkins for $85.
The latest ‘news’ concerning Gwyneth is that she’s given her boyfriend a “Goop-over”.
Sleb Safari has this on good authority from Grazia which has it on good authority from a source so listen closely because Sleb Safari will say this only once.
This Goop-over – for anyone unfamiliar with Gwyneth’s oeuvre – consisted of “aesthetically overhauling her new boyfriend’s LA space” by hiring a professional “de-clutterer” to deal with his belongings.
“Apparently, she’s thrown out a chunky table she found ‘overbearing’,” Grazia reveals.
It all sounds so convincing and yet, for some reason, Sleb Safari cannot bring itself to believe that a woman fuelled solely by macrobiotic delicacies and regular steams would take such an overwhelming dislike to a table. Wood you believe it?
MELISSA MCCARTHY MAKES A GREAT SPY
THE recent sunshine has Sleb Safari in a caring, sharing sort of a mood and to that end it's going to recommend that you get yourself along to the cinema to watch Melissa McCarthy’s new film, Spy.
Melissa stars alongside Miranda Hart and Peter Serafinowicz and the whole shebang was directed by Paul Feig who was responsible for Bridesmaids and The Heat and is at the helm of the forthcoming Ghostsbusters remake.
Spy is, in a word, hilarious. Melissa plays Susan Cooper who was top of her class at the CIA Academy but plays second fiddle to a less talented male spy and this theme of women allowing themselves to be held back by men runs through the film.
Go see it for the belly laughs and Peter Serafinowicz's routine as a sleazy spy.
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