Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs we do - we never really know for sure if we are doing the right thing. However, things are made even more confusing when animal-themed books keep giving us advice, writes Leona O'Neill
THERE'S yet another parenting book about yet another style of animal-themed parenting. Do people think parents are stupid?
I thought I had heard it all with the Tiger parenting-style - a very strict style of raising kids, making children work particularly hard and restricting their free time so that they continually achieve the highest grades.
This was, no doubt, found to be very detrimental to Tiger Children's well-being. Then we had Jellyfish Parenting. The opposite of Tiger Parenting, would you believe. Jellyfish parents apparently have absolutely no rules, no direction, no expectations and certainly no boundaries - basically it is permissive parenting. The kids run the show. Now we have the ridiculous-sounding Dolphin Parenting. With the Dolphins' mums and dads, there are rules, yes, but they can be discussed and agreed upon. There are expectations which are negotiable and there's choice. The dolphin is well balanced and rational.
I suppose, if I'm honest, it sounds like the best of the silly-sounding animal parenting styles. Since everyone else is writing parenting books about looking to the animal kingdom for inspiration on raising their kids, I thought I might too. I have a few ideas, maybe you can tell me which one you think works best? I think they are all equally wonderful.
Swan Parenting: Swan Parents put the safety and well-being of their little ones above everything else. Using advanced protection skills, they will get into a flap if someone attempts to pet their child; or look at their child or ride past their child on a bike. If someone tries to feed the Swan Child some stale bread, Swan Parent will rise up and break the person's arm with their beak.
Rhino Parenting: Rhino Parents generally have big-bodies with stumpy legs. They have incredibly thick skin so are immune to insults and criticism of their parenting styles or their stumpy legs. They are grumpy and bathe in mud instead of soap.
If someone attempts to look at their child or have their safari holiday picture taken beside their child they will stick a dagger-like horn through their silly human body until they die. Wasp Parenting: Wasp Parents expect their children to earn their keep. As soon as Wasp Child is born, Wasp Parent puts it to work in the construction of their home. Wasp Parents are exhausted from having thousands of children so are not big on one-to-one attention.
Wasp Children are often neglected. But if you attempt to swat Wasp Child away or hit Wasp Child with a rolled up Vogue magazine, Wasp Parent will come to your house and sting you bad.
The Yorkshire Terrier Parent: The Yorkshire Terrier Parent takes yappiness to advanced levels. Similar to the wasps, they have Yorkshire Terrier Children in multiples.
If you speak to their children or make any attempts to tell their offspring that they are a 'good boy' they will bite your ankles.
Often irresponsible and reckless, Yorkshire Terrier Parents show terrible example to their young by chasing moving cars, barking maniacally at their wheels.
Look out for my, no doubt, best-selling book on one of these styles of parenting, out in time for the Christmas market.