The Bluffer really, really wants to be tidy – but it never works out
Go mbeannaí Dia daoibh agus bhur gcéad milliún fáilte isteach chuig leathanach corraitheach eile den The Bluffer’s Guide to Irish.
Are you a very organized person? Are your CDs in ord na haibirte - in alphabetical order?
Can you find your teastas breithe - birth certificate or your logleabhar - logbook or even a bille fóntais - a utility bill at the drop of a hat withough having to hoke through boxes, bags, folders, handbags etc., etc.
The Bluffer, it must be said, does his best - déanann sé a dhicheall - but after years of being a hoarder, he finds himself moving one pile of rubbish that might be of some use in years to come into another pile of dust-gathering detritus.
The flesh is willing but the mind is weak.
But, God, there is so much stuff in the average household.
The Bluffer has a garage so chocabloc that he wouldn’t be surprised if Japanese soldiers made themselves known and surrendered at some stage.
Tá sé míshlachtmhar - it is untidy is the euphemism he likes to use.
Tá an áit seo ina ciseach - this place is like a bomb site is how others describe it.
Garáiste is a garage and some people – wierdos – use them to keep cars in.
Others keep theirs in pristine condition where everything is in its rightful place so that when the owner needs to put a XXX together or needs to turn the lights on again or to press a pair of trousers they know exactly na huirlisí - tools, na fiúsanna - fuses and the bord iarnála - ironing board are.
Oh, how the Bluffer would love to be like that.
His garage has old televisions, paint with XXX, Playstations 1-3, a badly warped snooker table, an unused punchbag, underappreciated Christmas presents from 1983 and God knows what else.
Bruscar is the word for it all - rubbish.
No wonder finding that missing document or the WD40 is so difficult!
The Bluffer would love to be eagraithe - organised. Inside his head, he is all feng shui, outside he is spaghetti junction.Technology has helped him, though.
Instead of cóipeanna de shean-nuachtáin - copies of old newspapers lying about the house, he has a scanóir - a scanner on his phone which puts everything into a comhad - a file on his computer.
Clothes are still a big problem. However, if the Bluffer buys a new léine - shirt, then he gets rid of an old one. There is no room for nostalgia when keeping a cófra - a wardrobe from overflowing.
Gnáthamh is a routine so before breakfast the clothes are put into the inneall níocháin - the washing machine and before going to work they are put in the triomadóir éadaigh - tumble drier so they are ready when the Bluffer comes home from a day slaving over a hot computer.
Then he tells himself a lie. He says that a very important visitor is coming to visit in half an hour and that spurs him on to do a frantic 15-minute tidy-up before the fictitious visitor arrives.
It’s amazing what you can get done in 900 seconds if you think Angelina Jolie is going to drop by for a cup of tea!
So hear endeth this column, a mixture of Teach Yourself Irish and Good Housekeeping.
Time now for A Spoonful of Sugar and a Mary Poppins-style tidy-up.
ord na haibítre (ord ne habitchre) - in alphabetical order
teastas breithe (chastiss braya) - birth certificate
logleabhar (luglyore) - logbook
bille fóntais (billa fone-tish) - a utility bill
déanann sé a dhicheall (janan shay a yeehill) - he does his best
Tá sé míshlachtmhar (taa shay meelakhtwar) - it is untidy
Tá an áit seo ina ciseach (taa un iytch shaw ina kishakh) - this place is like a bomb site
garáiste (garaashta) - a garage
na hurlisi (ne hurleeshee) - the tools
na fiúsanna (ne fyusana) - fuses
bord iarnála (bord eernaala) - an ironing board
eagraithe - organised
cóipeanna de shean-nuachtáin (cope-ana de han-nooakhtaan) - copies of old newspapers
scanóir (scanore) - a scanner
comhad (cowad) - a file
léine (laynye) - shirt
cófra (coefra) - a wardrobe
gnáthamh (grahoo) - a routine
inneall níocháin (inyil neeakhaan) - a washing machine triomadóir éadaigh (chrumadore aydee) - tumble drier