Entertainment

Zoolander 2: Models on a very special mission

Models Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller) and Hansel (Owen Wilson) must stop a conspiracy to kill the world's most beautiful people – with unexpected results, writes Damon Smith

Penelope Cruz plays Valentina Valencia in Zoolander No 2
Penelope Cruz plays Valentina Valencia in Zoolander No 2 Penelope Cruz plays Valentina Valencia in Zoolander No 2

You can never be overdressed or overeducated. But Zoolander No 2 doesn't have a pair of functioning brain cells to rub together.

Ben Stiller's sequel is festooned with beautiful people draped in gorgeous fabrics and accessorised with brief appearances from the fashion cognoscenti including American Vogue's editor-in-chief Anna Wintour and designers Tommy Hilfiger, Marc Jacobs, Valentino and Alexander Wang.

Scripted by a four-man committee comprising Stiller, Justin Theroux, Nicholas Stoller and John Hamburg, this Bond-esque high-stakes globetrotting caper feels like it has been cobbled together from half-baked ideas that failed to pass quality control back in 2001.

Like a model tottering precariously down a catwalk on outlandishly high heels, the film is awkward and ungainly, destined to fall flat on its face at least once before the end credits roll.

Stiller and co-star Owen Wilson gamely throw themselves into the fray as numbskull walking clothes horses, flanked by returning cast member Will Ferrell as the film's bouffant archvillain and new additions Penelope Cruz and Kristen Wiig as femme fatales of law and disorder.

Designer label comic talent of this calibre should glister, but we don't care a stitch about their garish caricatures.

In a snappy, tongue-in-cheek opening sequence, which turns out to be a false dawn, gun-toting assassins on motorcycles chase Justin Bieber through the labyrinthine streets of Rome.

"You can't kill us all. We will protect The Chosen One," defiantly declares the pop prince before a hail of bullets tears through his chart-topping body.

As he takes his final breath, he adopts the "Blue Steel" facial pout that was once the signature of male model Derek Zoolander (Stiller) and posts a selfie online.

Agent Melanie Valentina (Cruz) from Interpol's Global Fashion Division connects the death of Bieber to similar cases involving Madonna, Usher and Bruce Springsteen.

She employs her womanly wiles – honed during an inglorious period as a swimsuit model - to recruit Derek and good friend Hansel (Wilson) into the ranks to unmask the perpetrators.

Evidence leads to fashion doyenne Alexanya Atoz (Wiig) and psychopath Jacobim Mugatu (Ferrell), who is safely behind bars.

Meanwhile, Derek orchestrates a belated reunion with his plus-size son (Cyrus Arnold).

"We're too different, and it's too late," sobs Derek Jr.

Zoolander No 2 is gormless and charmless, and mustering affection for the lead character is a mission: impossible.

Indeed, when a hi-tech smart bomb threatens to obliterate everyone in sight, I can't be alone in wishing the device might detonate early.

Flaccid cameos abound including Benedict Cumberbatch, John Malkovich, Willie Nelson, Katy Perry, Susan Sarandon and Kiefer Sutherland.

Every faltering, misguided and soulless frame is liberally doused in the latest celebrity fragrance, eau de desperation, and Stiller's picture reeks.

ZOOLANDER NO 2

(12A, 102 mins)

Comedy/Action/Romance. Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Penelope Cruz, Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, Cyrus Arnold, Kyle Mooney, Christine Taylor. Director: Ben Stiller.

Rating: ONE STAR