Taylor Swift throws the best Fourth of July parties
DEAR x: You are invited to Taylor Swift’s fourth of July party. When you arrive, please leave your phone in the box beside the door, give your Instagram password to the social media team and put on the bikini chosen for you.
Here’s the itinerary for the day. All activities are mandatory.
At 9am we’re having temporary tattoos applied. At 9.30am, a light breakfast of avocado on toast will be served.
At 10am we’ll be meeting at the Taymerica inflatable waterslide.
At 11.30am we’re doing our standard ‘jumping in stars and stripes swimwear like a Ralph Lauren ad’ photoshoot.
You have 30 minutes of free time at 12.30pm.
At 1pm, we will frolic in the sea. At 3pm, we will return to the house where a team of hair and make up artists will be waiting.
At 4pm, we’ll be baking cookies. At 5pm, we will be lighting the barbecue. At 6pm, caterers will bring calorie controlled vegan meals for everyone.
At 8pm, we are all changing into stars and stripes onesies and meeting at the beanbags on the pool decking.
At 9pm, we will gather at the bonfire on the beach and everyone will be given two smores which they must make but are not obliged to eat.
At 10pm, we will watch the fireworks and at 11pm we will dance in the kitchen like no-one’s watching (except for the videographer).
Drivers will be waiting from midnight to take you home.
Well, that’s what Sleb Safari’s invite said. It arrived precisely one month before Taylor’s Independence Day fiesta in her Rhode Island mansion but, unfortunately, Sleb Safari already had a long-standing engagement that it likes to call turning in for work.
It's old fashioned, sure, but it pays the bills.
Sleb Safari was hearted to see that so many of Taylor's other close friends were able to attend the party, including Tom Hiddleston.
It wasn't appropriate for Tom to wear a bikini so Taylor had a fetching tank top made for him with the message 'I heart TS' printed on the front.
His temporary tattoo was a red heart with Taylor’s initials. Why so shy, you two lovebirds?
Other guests included Ryan Reynolds and his wife Blake Lively. They posed for a memorable photograph alongside a schmaltzy Taylor and Tom and Taylor’s best friend and her husband.
The camera really captured the spirit of the moment don't you think?
Ryan Reynold’s face silently but succinctly conveys the message "This wasn’t my idea, my wife thought this fourth of July appearance would be good for her career so I went along with it.
"I'd rather be at home in Canada."
Photographs from the day have been strategically posted on guests' Instagram accounts. Taylor does love to make a (curated) splash.
Sleb Safari is thrilled to see that all the girls (plus Tom and Ryan) had fun and just knows they're all going to be friends forever, not just for summer – because friends who go down a waterslide together, stay together.
Happy Independence Day y’all. Sleb Safari will see you in Rhode Island next year.
Iggy Azalea and Nick Young have broken up
LADIES and gentlemen, allow Sleb Safari to ruminate on the differences between the sexes using singer Iggy Azalea and her former fiance Nick Young as its case study.
The couple broke up recently when she discovered he was cheating and explained her decision to end the relationship on Instagram.
"Unfortunately, although I love Nick and have tried and tried to rebuild my trust in him, it's become apparent in the last few weeks I am unable to.
"I genuinely wish Nick the best. It's never easy to part ways with the person you planned your entire future with, but futures can be re-written and as of today mine is a blank page."
Iggy, we feel your pain and appreciate the reasoned explanation.
Nick, we are at a loss to explain how your mind operates.
He went on Twitter and wrote: "Single". Sleb Safari thinks you'll find no clearer example of how differently men and women operate.
Christie Brinkley crosses her fingers and hopes for the best
SWEET but deluded musings this week from Christie Brinkley.
Asked about her diet Christie said: "I try to be as vegan as I can be. I try to keep it mainly to the mozzarella now. It comes from Italy and I like to imagine it's just this little cow roaming on a hill and somebody milks it gently."
Yes Christine, and abattoirs are full of massage therapists who use essential oils to calm the animals before they meet their maker.
Mila Kunis is right, Ashton Kutcher was a pain
MILA Kunis, actor, mother, wife, alleged chicken thief at age eight, has been talking about her husband Ashton Kutcher.
The pair were friends for years before getting together and Mila says they know each other inside out, upside down and back to front.
"It truly is being married to your best friend. That’s a cliché; it’s cheesy, but it’s true. We can’t bull***t each other. I literally can’t lie to him.
"He can call me out on everything, and I can do the same, because there’s nothing about the other person’s face that we don’t know.
"There’s nothing we don’t know about each other because we’ve known each other for so long: the ugly, the bad, the good."
So far, so on message.
Then Mila got real: "We went through a period where I thought he was crazy. At the height of his career, I was like, 'Ugh, I don’t like you. I don’t even know you anymore. You think you’re such hot s***’."
Bless you Mila – bless you for saying what we were all thinking.
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